Kirkkitsch’s Blog

Currently Reading: Part 1

If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single? by Susan Page © 1989
Synopsis: Former director of women’s programs at UC Berkeley, Page now conducts singles workshops for both sexes. Men and women who want permanent partners will benefit from her “10 strategies that will change your love life forever,” as set forth in this engaging guide. The advice is illustrated by case histories of Page’s clients, whose progress toward emotional fulfillment is described in their own words. Also detailed are stories of failed relationships and their causes. Each chapter contains an experiment designed to teach readers why they may be losing at love by clinging to partners who won’t commit themselves; rejecting or showing ambivalence to promising mates, etc. The primary lesson to be gleaned here is that choosing a mate for life means knowing yourself first and recognizing a person with similar standards; not settling for less.

Comments: I picked up this book at the used bookstore back home a few weeks ago. It spoke to me because the title pretty much sums up my internal dialogue for the last 20 years. I’ve always heard how ‘sweet…nice…talented…funny’ I am…then the buck stops there. After a while, you gotta ask yourself “If I’m so wonderful, why am I still single?”

It didn’t take me long to get enthralled in the book and before I knew it, I was on chapter 8 (of 12)…but that’s as far as I got. The more I read, the more I started questioning what it is I want out of a relationship, even though I didn’t necessarily go into the book wanting ANYTHING, but maybe some insight into me. It’s hard to explain, because I don’t want to give the impression that the book wasn’t or couldn’t be helpful…to the right person. There were lots of things I enjoyed about the book, especially the little assignments at the end of each chapter. For example:

EXPERIMENT #6
a. On paper, describe your ideal mate. List all the qualities, talents, propensities you’d like him or her to have. “Brainstorm” with yourself. Take your time and include everything. There is no need to be “realistic.” Don’t censor.
b. Now go back over your list and place either an “E’ for essential or a “D” for desirable next to each line.
c. List all the “E” qualities on a separate page in the order of their importance to you.
d. Draw a line under the top5 items on the “E” list.

I won’t lie, I LOVE that kinda shit! It’s so ‘slam book‘ meets ‘paper fortune teller,‘ only with higher stakes. I’ve always had an affinity for those kind of things. And though a lot of the ‘experiments’ can be helpful in helping you pinpoint what it is that you want, they can also be kinda sterile and suck all the fun out of “the chase.”

So, because I started getting all “bajiggity” about a relationship; thinking I needed one now, that I should be in one now, that I should have already been in one, that I needed to hurry up and figure out what it is I wanted, so that I could get one, etc. I really got hung up on whether I was “Ambivalent” or “Non-Ambivalent” in regards to wanting a relationship. Apparently, if you’re NON-Ambivalent, you know what you want and are determined to hold out for it. If you were classified as Ambivalent, you SAY you want a relationship, but then sabotage yourself at every turn (There are no good guys out there, I’ve seen what’s out there and it’s all crap, there’s no good place to meet people, dating is tedious, etc.). It was maddening.

All this over something written in a book by someone and their outlook/opinions? That was part of it, then the clincher was when I noticed one night, while trying to hold the book with one hand, that there was a picture of the author and a brief bio beneath her photo, printed on the inside back cover: “Susan Page holds a master of divinity degree from San Francisco Theological Seminary and began her career as a campus minister.” That’s all it took. I was out. Though in the book’s defense, it didn’t have a religious slant at all, and if it had, there is no way I would have made it all the way to chapter 8. I guess I just realized that this was a book written by someone who didn’t share my perspective and I lost interest.

Now for the negatives: I realize that the book is product of its time, so I’m willing to make certain allowances, but overall, the snippets from interviews conducted with assorted “ex singles” and how they met the man/woman of their dreams, always seemed out of touch; the people were always these upper class, job title-wielding professionals I just couldn’t relate to. In addition, even though they were initially titillating, the “experiments” at the end of each and every chapter did grow annoying. They started to feel more like a chore than a boon.

Overall, I think the book has some good concepts. I also think it could be a great aid in helping someone define what exactly it is they are looking for in a potential mate/relationship. However, this is providing that you are straight, live in a metropolitan area and desperately want to enter ‘coupledom.’

Tomorrow: The antithesis of this book…which I had all along but never finished reading until a few days ago.

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