Kirkkitsch’s Blog

Sad

I don’t really want to write this because I know it’s a downer and what good is that gonna do me? But, I think maybe getting it out of my system and onto something (somewhat) tangible, might help me deal with it a little better.

I talked to my dad about a week ago and he told me that he was putting my mom in a home. I knew this day was coming, but it’s still something you’re not ever really prepared to hear. So, fast forward another week and he calls the morning of my garage sale. I miss the call because I’m busy with the sale, and don’t notice the caller ID until late Sunday evening (the last day of the sale). I call him Monday and he tells me that he thinks I should come see her, that she’s in the last stages of the disease (Alzheimer’s). Initially I take this news with a grain of salt because of his tendency to be overly dramatic. I tell him I will come to visit her next Friday.

So, I talk to him again a few days ago and he tells me again that he’s put her in a home (something we’ve talked about more than once already) and that when I do come to visit that he doesn’t want me to be surprised by her appearance. I asked him why he thought she was in “the final stages” and he says because she’s stopped eating solid food. THIS I didn’t know about. Then he goes on to tell me that she’s lost a lot of weight. This is NOT normal, not for my mom, whose been on a perpetual diet since the 70′s. Now I know it’s serious…and I feel a little sick.

We go on to talk, he cries, I cry. I tell him how bad I feel that I haven’t been able to come visit her more often and fear that she thinks I’ve abandoned her. He tries to tell me that I mean everything to her and that she will never forget me. I want desperately to believe it.

So, I had someone take my shift on Monday (today) and am going to go visit her in “the home” this morning…and I D R E A D it with every fiber of my being. I haven’t see her for 3 months and I’ve been avoiding it since February. I know, it’s awful.

Both P and E offered to go with me, but P is currently learning the ropes at his new job and E is busy. As much as I initially took solace in their offers, I always kinda knew that this was something I’d have to do alone. The same goes for anything else down the road: funeral arrangements, etc. No one else can do it but me, and I know that. Still, I dread it.

On another note, albeit not necessarily unrelated, I’ve been concentrating on buying new furniture and getting the house looking the way I want it to be. I’ve contemplated whether or not to buy the furniture (couch for the den, DVD cases, cabinets for the dining room and dining room chairs) and have finally decided I’m going to do it. Once I get this furniture, my house will pretty much be in order. I’m not too fickle when it comes to what I want and once I get it, I keep it. The pieces I’ve gotten rid of are the remaining pieces of furniture that my parents chose and paid for. With this final purchase, the entire contents of my house will be of my choosing. Well, with the exception of the bedroom, but I’m in no hurry to change it out, since finding the kind of bed room suite that I want hasn’t come along yet.

I think the reasons for my focusing on keeping myself busy with my house “project” is twofold: [1] It helps keep my mind off of my mom’s situation and [2] if my mom’s time really is limited, I want the house to be somewhat under control because I have a feeling when the shit hits the fan, I’m gonna be down for the count. A mentioned that she wondered how I’m going to deal with it when the inevitable happens, and to be honest, I never really thought much about it. Well, after the phone call Friday, I DID think about it and the outcome doesn’t look good. I can only imagine the depression I felt that day, multiplied by 100. Whatever happens, I can’t afford to wallow too long: I have a job to maintain. I have to make a living. I guess the saying is true: life goes on. I just don’t know how.

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