Kirkkitsch’s Blog

MegaPECS! I mean Megapiranha!

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So, with it being “the” weekend et al, I got crazy and reacquainted myself with the local Blockbuster, whom I normally avoid like the plague. HOWEVER, [A] I’ve exhausted all other rental possibilities and [B] I have now been burned not once, but TWICE, with purchase-before-renting DVD purchases. I am now somewhat gun-shy to blow another wad on a piece of crap that I will want to use as a coaster after just one viewing. So, I went with the intention of just renting this one movie I’ve REALLY been wanting to see (The New Daughter…review coming soon) and wound up renting FOUR movies.

One of those movies was Megapiranha, starring (get ready for this): Barry Williams (AKA Greg Brady), Tiffany (“I Think We’re Alone Now“) and Paul Logan. I’d never heard of Paul Logan before, but apparently he’s a big deal on the soap opera circuit (Days of Our Lives) and a serious B-movie star (24+ movies with titles like Vampires in Vegas, Komodo vs Cobra and High Octane).

So, I put the movie in and immediately there’s a scene of a shirtless Paul Logan waking up in his underwear. Fuck Folgers, the best part of waking up is Logan’s cup! Ow! Of course it goes without saying that he was the best part of the movie (as long as it’s on mute…don’t try and act, sweetie, just stand there in your skintight scuba gear and look pretty).

However, after seeing Barry Williams deliver faux-dramatic lines like:

“Oh, and Fitch…”
‘Yeah?’
“…good luck.”

-And, of course, the mandatory action movie line, delivered breathlessly: “God help us all.”

I was SO outta there. And don’t even get me started on the Men’s Warehouse-sized suits (obviously complete with Designing Women-sized shoulder pads) they have Williams wearing throughout the film. The are HUGE and make him look like he is shrinking more and more as the film progresses. And Tiffany, well…she’s just awful. As for Logan, he looked HOT throughout, but when it came to delivering lines, he was more wooden than the cursed Tiki idol Bobby found when the Bradys went to Hawaii.

Needless to say, I didn’t finish the movie. Well, I take that back, technically I did see all the movie, but it was on fast forward. I knew going in that it was gonna be total cheese, I just didn’t realize the magnitude of the cheese involved. That’s alotta cheese. Seriously. Avoid this one if you’re lactose-intolerant and stick with Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus. HOWEVER, if you are looking for mancandy, you could do a lot worse. Logan’s nipples alone are worth the price of admission and deserve an Oscar…in the shape of my tongue. *pinch!*

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